Summer Lovin

Dear Summer,

Well our time together is once again drawing to a close, damn it always seems like as soon as we get into a good groove one of us has to go.  Our relationship has always been one of near misses and brief encounters but this time, this time was special, this time was different.  What we accomplished in these three short months may change our lives forever... I knew it was time for us to take our relationship to the next level but you were always so nervous, scared that things might change between us or that I might find someone new. Well, to be honest I was nervous too, change is always scary but there is no way I could ever find someone to replace you, never.

I know we have a few weeks left together but it saddens me to know that once again you will be leaving, another long, cold, time where we will go without a warm embrace.  Sure you'll pop up here and there to surprise me like you always do; those meetings just make me want you even more.  Our relationship has been so special, even in childhood it was just you and me, us against the world, from getting into trouble to discovering who we really are... I know you have to go but before you leave I hope you understand that no matter what you will always hold a special place in my heart.

                                                                                              Love,

                                                                                              Juice

P.S. I've been cheating on you with your friend "fall", she's kind of cool and I think it might be getting serious...

The Ties That Bind

I know why they say when it's over, it's over and you should just cut all ties. I know why being friends is stupid, a pointless attempt at holding on to something that is just not there anymore and well never be there again. I don't want it anymore; I don't want to feel like I'll accept anything just so that I will have something. I don't want you to have that power over me, the power to change my mood with just a few words, the power to make it all go away with a smile... I know why some things are just better left alone, just letting the past be the past. I can’t continue to act like I don't want what I want, I can't continue to act like I'm happy for you when you meet someone new. I'm no longer willing to be that person that you know will always be there, always there to help you discuss your problems or come up with a game plan to get you past a current hurdle. At some point I have to realize that I lost the fight and it's over... OVER.

Six years and everyday there was this constant reminder of you.

Elmer's

What exactly keeps two people together? What types of cosmic forces have to combine to make two random people come together and stick?  I don’t know at this point if there is really a decision to be made when things fall into place like that, it seems to be that you are just helpless, at the mercy of whatever is to come.  But even then there's something unique about those moments and those people that just stick, they have secured a spot in the fabric of your life and there is no replacing them or getting rid of them, they are there.  You may find someone new or even someone better but you will never find that someone that can replace what they were or are to you. How is it that through the countless encounters that we have with other people every day we are able to find those few that make such an impact on our lives that they become a part of us?  Not necessarily for the good or the bad... they are just ingrained in who we are and what we do with them or allow them to do is not entirely of our choosing. 

We have all witnessed countless relationships where it is painfully obvious that the two entangled in that web just aren’t good for one another... "Girl you should just leave his ass alone" or "Bro she got you out of your lane".  Too many times we have seen these train wrecks occur before our own eyes but when it is our turn to ride that ride we put on the same blinders that we so desperately pleaded for our friends to take off.  When it is, it just is... there is no explanation, no real rhyme or reason, it’s just that one that has you in a way that no one else does and deep down inside you hope they never relinquish that control.  

It's funny, I’ve seen people try to fight it, I’ve seen those who try to act like it isn’t what it is, I’ve even witnessed those who become enraged by the sheer thought of it, but in the end they all circum to whatever "it" is. I guess some things in life can't be explained, they just are.

Bad Bitch

Her eyes told the real story, a story that is all too personal but yet not distinctly hers.  Past her beautiful gaze,  all the hair and makeup, past her winning smile and her sunny disposition, past all of those things that she developed as a way of hiding herself from life, there lie the true her.  A little girl damaged by what life had done to her, a child screaming for help, for someone to ease her pain.  Not quite what she seemed to be, not the model-esque figure that would light up a room upon entrance, no that's not her at all.  Beyond the hazel and green lies a little girl that is scared to show you who she really is. Her scars penetrate past what is visible; those injuries cannot be concealed or blended in.  A chameleon of sorts, she morphs and changes to her environment, never giving you the real her, instead only the her she wants you to see.

This game of smoke and mirrors has been going on so long she questions if she knows who the real her is anymore.  When you so frequently make yourself into exactly what someone else needs it's easy for you to get caught up in the act and lose who you really are in the process.  The truth is, she doesn’t feel like the real her would be good enough, who could possibly come to love someone so ordinary and plain.  How could a person with such simple sensibilities survive in such a complicated and flashy world?  A world that values glamour over substance, fame more than work.  For this world what she had become was perfect, the makeup, the heels, the look, all flawless but yet so empty.  

That damaged little girl inside of her no longer screams to come out, her cries have been suppressed by time, by pain, and by a twisted since of identity found in the confines of relationships.  These dealings with the opposite sex have become her safe haven; her identity derives from that of her current partner.  A value not based on worth but cost...  The price these suitors are willing to pay for her company is what buoys her inner sense of self. What she is can only be qualified by what they are willing to do.  So no longer is she dealing with those issues of inadequacy, those feeling have now been validated by a swipe of a credit card or a financed trip, now her worth can be easily calculated and viewed on the receipt.  

The truth is in her eyes and her story is not hers alone.

XXX

  So... I turned 30 years young today and I'll tell you what, it’s a hell of a feeling.  It kind of feels like when you’re a sophomore in high school or your second year of college, you know that quiet confidence you possess when you have been there before and pretty much know your way around.  Not that you have everything figured out, no that’s not the case at all but at least you know where to go to for help and what things to avoid.  In this 30th year of my life I have reached a point where I know what to do and more importantly I know exactly what not to do, ignorance is no longer a valid excuse.  My experiences have given me one hell of a road map on how to navigate the pitfalls of life; those experiences have also blessed me with the privilege of knowing that most problems, especially the really tough ones are of your on doing.  Life is hard and that fact cannot be disputed but life becomes increasingly harder when you take the time to place obstacles in your own path.  

So as I celebrate my birthday, I want to take the time to look back at some of the lessons/rules that life has taught me....

Never have sex without a condom... NEVER, eat your vegetables, driving 5 miles above the speed limit is speeding, always have full coverage insurance on your vehicle, if you’re trying to convince someone that you are not drunk... you’re drunk,  go to class, go to work,  a no call/ no show is not looked upon highly come promotion time, don’t do drugs, if you love someone never ever ever let her go, take time to invest in people, forgiveness is more for yourself than anyone else, control is power, sho mo no, don’t quit a job without having another job, two goes in the pink and one goes in the stink lol, quitting while your ahead is not the same as quitting, try it before you say you don’t like it, friends and family are all you really have, listen and don’t just wait to talk, know the difference between what you feel and what’s real, read, spend your last on groceries and gas, fat meat and bald heads make grease lol, girls don’t like to be told what to do but strangely women do, everything that looks good to you isn’t good for you woman/food, have goals, dreams only die when you stop chasing them, take advice but don’t take no shit, fighting doesn’t solve much, live well below your means, perception is reality, if it looks too good to be true it probably is, purpose can be found in pain, read the Bible, life is a team sport, do more and say less, do not fear failure, there is a fine line between comfortable and complacent, have faith, You are who you choose to be and in those choices you live...

Oh, and whatever you do remember that time is the most valuable thing in the world so don’t waste it.

The Meaning

I'm reading a book entitled Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, the author is a Holocaust survivor and in his book he offers details on surviving within a concentration camp and how it fostered his psyche and outlook on life.  Today I came across a passage that really spoke to me, maybe because I'm about to turn 30 or maybe because I have an infatuation with life but I read this passage over and over again.  I'm going to quote it directly, see if it speaks to you as it spoke to me...

"What was really needed was fundamental change in our attitude toward life.  We had to learn ourselves and, furthermore, we had to teach the despairing men, that it did not matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life-daily and hourly.  Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct.  Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."

"These tasks, and therefore the meaning of life, differ from man to man, and from moment to moment. Thus it is impossible to define the meaning of life in a general way.  Questions about the meaning of life can never be answered by sweeping statements.  "Life" does not mean something vague, but something very real and concrete, just as life's tasks are also very real and concrete.  They form man's destiny, which is different and unique for each individual.  No man and no destiny can be compared with any other man or any other destiny.  No situation repeats itself, and each situation calls for a different response.  Sometimes the situation in which a man finds himself may require him to shape his own fate by action.  At other times it is more advantageous for him to make use of an opportunity for contemplation and to realize assets in this way.  Sometimes man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross.  Every situation is distinguished by its uniqueness, and there is always only one right answer to the problem posed by the situation at hand."

"When a man finds that it is his destiny to suffer, he will have to accept his suffering as his task; his single and unique task.  He will have to acknowledge the fact that even in suffering he is unique and alone in the universe.  No one can relieve him of this suffering or suffer in his place. His unique opportunity lies in the way in which he bears his burden."

Wow... powerful, isn't it.