It's my turn

Today was a... I guess you could say a life changing day.  Today I accepted a position within an industry that I love but for a salary that scares the shit out of me.  The position is a fitness counselor and the salary is primarily based on commission; the opportunities for growth within the company are endless and there is no cap on the commission I can make, so the ball is really in my hands.  But do you know how scary this is?  Just like everyone else in the real world I have financial obligations that hover pretty close to my current salary, to say there isn't much room for error is an understatement.  But now I have accepted a position where the base salary is half of my current salary and all other income will be obtained through commission.  It's pretty damn scary and pretty damn exciting "at the same damn time" lol  

When the position was offered (well it really wasn’t, they spoke as if I had the job from the beginning) my first thought was "I can’t make this move, not for this amount of guaranteed money" but then something happened, I began to think about the story of a drowning man asking for God to save him.   You may have heard the story before, a man is stranded in the ocean and he prays to God for help and to save him.  As the man is praying he lets three boats pass him by because he is waiting for a miracle from God. The man ends up drowning and at the pearly gates he questions God and asks him why did he not save his life, where was the miracle he prayed for?  God answers the man and says; well I sent three boats...  "I sent three boats" how often have we missed the blessings of the Lord because it was not packaged and delivered in a way we thought would be appropriate?  Now I'm not saying that my experience today was a miracle from God but I am saying that I have been praying for some time for a way out of my current field of work... And I have also turned down jobs before because I thought the initial salary was too low only to go back to a job that I hate and pray that the Lord relieve me of my position. But not this time, this time I decided to leap, not blindly but guided by my faith in HIM and my faith in me. 

In life your circumstances are largely of your own creation, the good, the bad, and the ugly all can be attributed to one major source, YOU.  So as I embark on this new chapter of my life I am certain of only two things; God has blessed me with an opportunity to grow and this has to work...

"We often miss opportunity because it's dressed in overalls and looks like hard work" Thomas A. Edison

Somebody That I Used to Know

It’s amazing what lasts and what doesn't.  Time is very cruel that way, it forces you to acknowledge what was real and what was just for the moment.  That classic test of time will tell all... whether it be hopes for a lifetime or just fun for a season or two.  I guess the most we can hope for is to make those moments worthy of becoming memories, so that they may live forever.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY

It's your turn

So what do you do when it’s your turn? I was asked this question by one of my friends (Bird Dog) and it has kinda stuck with me. What do you do when it’s your turn? How often in life have we yearned for the opportunity to show off our skills, to have that chance to let the world know who we are and what we are about? And then when that moment arrives, what do you do? Do you take advantage of that brief instance and show the world that you too can fly or do you whither under the pressure, letting the spot light steal your shine. Wanting an opportunity and being prepared for it are two totally different things.

I remember when I was a child and all I wanted or could think of was being a professional football player (this came after I wanted to be a tap dancer, cab driver, and heart surgeon lol Oh the dreams of a child). I desperately wanted to go to the NFL and be amongst some of the greatest athletes on the planet, having the opportunity to place my talents against theirs and see who the best was. Me being a sports fanatic, I watched a lot of ESPN and one thing that I always noticed was how horrible the pre/post game interviews were. It sounded as if these athletes were speaking to a person for the first time, always fumbling over their words and making cliché comments. I don’t know why it rubbed me the wrong way but it did, to see athletes, more specifically black athletes get in front of a microphone and speak as if they were in the third grade really pissed me off. So since I knew that one day that would be me in front of the microphone, giving a pre/post game interview I began to practice in the shower. Yep, you can ask my mother lol I used to be in the shower acting as if I had just won a championship or suffered a tough loss, I would practice speaking clearly and putting my thoughts in order to insure that I did not sound like some of those guys I was watching on T.V. Going to the NFL was my dream and I worked very hard to get there and all though I came up short I was still prepared for the moment, if it was ever going to be my time to shine I made sure that I was ready.

When I think of that question, what do you do when it’s your turn? The answer has to be two fold, when it’s your time to shine you have to do just that, shine, you have to let go of all doubt and any insecurities, this is “your” time. But before this “time” comes you must prepare for it, you have to be willing to accept your dream as a reality and live as though it is real. Those moments of preparation are invaluable and you do yourself and your dream a disservice if you are not willing to put in the work. To this day I still maintain those practices of a child living out his dream, even now I act out scenes that take place in big board room meetings, or acceptance speeches given for exceptional work in this arena or that, visualizing my name at the bottom of articles I read in GQ, ESPN The Magazine, Sports Illustrated and countless others. So, what do you do when it’s your turn? Well if you’re me, you show off and show out because you have been preparing for this moment your entire life. 

The Loaded "GUN"

I masturbate before I go on dates... I know you must be asking yourself what the hell is he talking about and what the hell is his problem? lol But before you make your judgment (like you haven't already) let me explain, I am a terribly sexual person and my sexual appetite has been the fuel for many of my less than good decisions. So in an effort to mitigate those foul ups I make sure I masturbate before I go on a date, I promise you it sounds crazy but for me it is the easiest way to make sure I'm as close to level headed as possible before I enter that hormonal battle. I often thought that my "pre-game" ritual was a tad bit odd and out of place but conversations with my male friends have proven different. We have had countless discussions about the tangible affects that occur both physically and mentally when you are walking around brimming with excitement. Men filled with that dumb-dumb juice as I so affectionately refer to it have been responsible for some of the most colossal mistakes made by humans since the beginning of time, just look at Adam and Eve, David and Bathsheba, Bill and Monica, Erica Bennett, Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey (Why is he with her and happy...?) Countless amounts of friendships, marriages, and relationships have crumbled all behind that master motivator that builds up in men like lava in volcanoes. 

Just think of the amount of times that you have seen a couple walking through the mall and wondered why in hell is he with her or how is that his baby's mama? You want to know why and how? It’s simple, when you walk around with a loaded gun someone is eventually going to get shot... Sometimes you hit your intended target and sometimes its an innocent bystander that takes the bullet but one thing is for absolute certain, that gun is going to get fired sooner or later. There are only two ways that I know of to control the damage that will be caused by this inevitable eruption and they are to consistently empty out your ammunition before entering battle and/or place yourself around acceptable targets, that way if anyone gets shot you can be proud of the kill. 

Right now I am reading a book entitled "Every Man's Battle", this book discusses man's plight when it comes to following the laws of sexual purity given by God in the Bible. It recognizes how sexually charged our environment has become and how men are privy to indulge in all that it has to offer. The author acknowledges that this desire to have sex is not only psychological but it is also physiological, men are wired for sex and procreation, it is in our "nature". Therefore to follow the path of sexual decency will be hard, really hard but not impossible; the decency they speak of in the bible is almost absurd by today's standards. A man must not only be faithful to his wife with his anatomy, he must also control the perversion of his thoughts, eyes, language and feelings. Not only is he banned from sex outside of his marriage he is also banned from sex with his self, "masturbation". To say that the content of this book is challenging would be an understatement, for me it is almost offensive... I can’t fathom maintaining the discipline that is required to live sexually pure by God's standards, I have a hard enough time following the one or two rules I have set for myself and I'm pretty lenient to say the least. Maybe one day I will posses what it takes to follow the path of sexual purity, maybe one day I will have the courage to put down my weapon and abandon the shooting gallery, maybe one day... But I doubt if it will be today.  

Do Over

"You have to learn to live with regrets..." Are there things in your life that you wish you could do over, any instances where if you could, you would gladly hit the reset button with hopes of changing things for the better? When I look back at my life I can think of countless times where I wish I would have done this differently or that another way. But I think the things that I regret the most, the moments where I would gladly go back and change are the times that I failed to do anything. It's the times where I chose not to act or take that chance that haunt me the most, all of those moments where I sat back and let life happen without my direct influence, those are the moments that I wish I could get back. A decision made is easier to deal with than is an opportunity missed...

"Its so loud inside my head with word that I should have said and as I drown in my regrets, I can’t take back the words I never said." Lupe Fiasco

Number 2

The healthier your diet, the healthier your body, the more you shit.... Now if we can get past the "oh that’s nasty" we can see how this concept is prevalent in life as well as in health. Your level of health increases your capacity and propensity to process that which is bad and absorb that which is good. That’s life, isn’t it? Your emotional health, mental health, and physical health all combine to enable you to process and get rid of all the bad thing that life will offer. All the stress and letdowns you will experience, all the struggles and setbacks you will endure, all of these things are able to be overcome by those who are healthy in all aspects of their lives. 

The ability to get through the bad and dwell in all that is good, that is a byproduct of health and we all know what happens when we are less than healthy. We tend to focus on the negative, we become engulfed in all the bad things life offers, we lose the ability to see past the trees and recognize the forest. In other words we become constipated, just like when we over eat or indulge in the wrong types of foods, when our body isn’t healthy and has been mistreated it loses its ability to process the bad, instead it holds on to it. Increasing the levels of toxins and bile, making us gassy and bloated... Again, that’s life, when you aren’t maintaining a healthy life style or doing what it takes to make you happy, you tend to hold onto all the negative things that have occurred throughout the day or week or month and you allow those things to affect your attitude, outlook, work environment, relationships, sleep, life... 

We are all byproducts of what we put into our bodies, minds, and spirits. Those things that are negative will only produce things that are just that... negative, we must instead fuel our minds, bodies, and spirits with positives. Good food, good music, good relationships, good careers, good friends, good times... A good life. When you are filled with that much good it gives you the ability to put up with all of life's shit.

High Mileage

I never thought that I would reach the point where I wished I had done less... By that I mean, I have just recently realized that my past experiences with women have served to place both a mental and emotional block when it comes to building a new relationship. I have had more than my share of experiences with the opposite sex, I’m not ashamed to say that it used to be a point of pride, looking back at the long list of women I have been with, knowing that I will forever be a part of their story, their history. But now, not so much. Now that I see that with every new person I deal with I am living out the same paradigm that got me to where I am, single +1... Using these women for the singular purpose of pleasure, making every attempt to place them in a box where I have complete control. Living out the same movie over and over again, the actors and the characters changing but the plot remains the same. 

I see why women are frequently so hesitant to cross that hurdle, that imaginary boundary where they abandon rational thought for the tender whispers of the heart. While I am focused on making the experience all that it can be and gaining as much pleasure from the encounter as possible, they are relinquishing themselves to the thought of "this could be something special, a beginning..." It sucks to say but those thoughts and that statement rarely if ever crosses my mind. My thoughts go from the passion of the moment and immediately to when is she leaving and then to how soon can she come back. 

I wish I could tell you why I act or think this way, I really do. I search my thoughts and I have only experienced that feeling of "forever" twice and both of those situations ended up in a perverse "friendship". So maybe I’m bitter...? But I’ve had this same behavior long before I met those two women and have maintained it long past what we had was over. Maybe my childhood is to blame... My upbringing would be categorized as less than affectionate and I was raised by my mother so maybe that’s where the disconnect between females and emotions began. I’m sure that played a small part but I don’t place full responsibility on that or her, she made me a strong man and I thank her for it. Its hard to pinpoint where, when, and how it all started but it’s safe to say it is here and in living color.

So what do I do now? Now that I have identified and agreed upon the fact that this is a problem, what do I do to fix it? I still like sex... I would much rather be enjoying a woman’s company than writing this blog right now. How does a man that has been conditioned by life, choice, and circumstance change who he has become? Though I have taken steps to slow down and try to enjoy all the "non-sex" moments lol I just don’t know how long that will last and how fruitful it will be.