High Mileage

I never thought that I would reach the point where I wished I had done less... By that I mean, I have just recently realized that my past experiences with women have served to place both a mental and emotional block when it comes to building a new relationship. I have had more than my share of experiences with the opposite sex, I’m not ashamed to say that it used to be a point of pride, looking back at the long list of women I have been with, knowing that I will forever be a part of their story, their history. But now, not so much. Now that I see that with every new person I deal with I am living out the same paradigm that got me to where I am, single +1... Using these women for the singular purpose of pleasure, making every attempt to place them in a box where I have complete control. Living out the same movie over and over again, the actors and the characters changing but the plot remains the same. 

I see why women are frequently so hesitant to cross that hurdle, that imaginary boundary where they abandon rational thought for the tender whispers of the heart. While I am focused on making the experience all that it can be and gaining as much pleasure from the encounter as possible, they are relinquishing themselves to the thought of "this could be something special, a beginning..." It sucks to say but those thoughts and that statement rarely if ever crosses my mind. My thoughts go from the passion of the moment and immediately to when is she leaving and then to how soon can she come back. 

I wish I could tell you why I act or think this way, I really do. I search my thoughts and I have only experienced that feeling of "forever" twice and both of those situations ended up in a perverse "friendship". So maybe I’m bitter...? But I’ve had this same behavior long before I met those two women and have maintained it long past what we had was over. Maybe my childhood is to blame... My upbringing would be categorized as less than affectionate and I was raised by my mother so maybe that’s where the disconnect between females and emotions began. I’m sure that played a small part but I don’t place full responsibility on that or her, she made me a strong man and I thank her for it. Its hard to pinpoint where, when, and how it all started but it’s safe to say it is here and in living color.

So what do I do now? Now that I have identified and agreed upon the fact that this is a problem, what do I do to fix it? I still like sex... I would much rather be enjoying a woman’s company than writing this blog right now. How does a man that has been conditioned by life, choice, and circumstance change who he has become? Though I have taken steps to slow down and try to enjoy all the "non-sex" moments lol I just don’t know how long that will last and how fruitful it will be.