exPRESSiON

The words often fall short when trying to describe the feeling. How can something as simple as marks of ink in specific sequence explain something as complex and free flowing as emotion or thought, a moment, an experience, a life, a man? How best to go about the business of translating time into words, I don't know... For me, I just sit and let the words come, though they often pale in comparison to the thoughts or emotions that I am feeling at the time; they are the best way I know to give to you what I have inside. As a medium of expression these words are not the best but they’re the one that I have grown most fond of over the years. Maybe if I would have kept playing the trumpet then I would have had a more creative way of exposing what’s within, maybe those notes are fit to display pain and joy, maybe the sound of the horn could put it all in perspective. But for now these words of mine will have to do. So very limited... A dictionary or better yet a thesaurus can’t truly contain what is needed to paint the picture of feelings and thoughts. These words leave much to be said and even more to be felt, what gets lost in translation is the essence of the message, the motivation for the thought. The intense fire that burns from the feeling and the rage that builds for lack of an outlet. No where for these things to go, so I put them on the page and hope that it serves to tell the story of a man in a place with feelings that cant be expressed with words...

Summa Cum Laude

Yesterday I attended the commencement ceremonies for Westfield High School, my niece was graduating and as I sat in the stands packed with our family and the families of others my mind began to zone out.  I couldnt help but to get a little nostalgic while entertaining all of the posibilities that lay before these soon to be High School Graduates.  How big of a moment was this for them, graduating from high school marks the end of a long grade school journey and it signifies the beginning of the rest of your life.  Many of us don’t come to understand this fact until it’s far too late to change course but the decisions you make in those first few years out of high school will serve to shape the rest of your life.  What a wonderful burden that is, to forever exist in the gravity of decisions made at the tender age of 17 or 18.  To say you are not prepared is a complete understatement but this is life and you have to decide pretty early if you are going to be among the many or the few.  

Today my mother, sister and I had a conversation about what a great platform you are on as a new high school graduate, all the endless roads and avenues you have to choose from and how each one has their own set of consequences.  Its like once you pick a certain path you pretty much have to ride it out, you never know when an exit will present itself and when it does you don’t even know where that exit will take you, you just have to weigh your options and go for it. I likened this moment to a test and as with any test it is composed of questions and answers, the only difference is that with this test wrong answers have dire consequences.  Oh and the test... its only like ten questions long so you don’t have the luxury of getting three or four wrong answers and knowing that you can still pass.  Nope, two wrong answers and you’re already living a "B" lifestyle, three wrong answers and you’re approaching loser status... Yep, life is tough and it starts pretty early but the cool thing about it is that you have the opportunity to live out your dreams or create your own nightmares and it all starts with graduation. 

Congratulations "T" I'm proud of you and good luck...

Taking a step back

I took some time today and went back and looked over some of my past posts, it’s amazing to see how the subject matter varies from day to day, moment to moment, and month to month.  It just reconfirms that this life thing is truly a roller coaster and no high or low will last forever.  The fleeting nature of moments and experiences lends itself to our development of a fluid and sometimes rocky outlook on things.  There's a saying that states "it's never as good or a bad as it seems", I think that pretty much sums it all up.  Each day we are granted the opportunity to start over, to find that next experience, to feel that next emotion, to embark on that next great success or drown in a brand new pool of failure.  

How often do you allow your thoughts to mull over the idea of forever?  Taking a moment to sit down and think of the longevity of it all, life’s' journey is one that we all hope will be long and fruitful but sometimes that judgment can only be made once we gain a certain perspective.  Though each individual moment may not be as satisfying or fulfilling as we had hoped, we tend to look back on the whole with positive feelings about the experience.  Like when you think about high school or college you think about how much fun you had and come up with statements like "those were the best years of my life" but when you were in the middle of it did you feel that way?  While waking up and going to class or practice or both, I would bet that your attitude was not "this is the best time of my life" nope, it required a certain level of separation from the whole thing to appreciate it for what it was.  

Sometimes in life it’s necessary to take a step back and smell the roses, to allow yourself a few minutes to enjoy the fruit of your labor and appreciate the experience at every level.  Today is really not that bad and tomorrow will not be that great lol. I guess that’s the perspective of man that has seen the ups and downs of life’s' roller coaster and has learned to sit back and enjoy the ride.  

The let down

If someone were to ask you what emotion has dominated your life, what would you say?  Would that emotion be love, hate, joy, fear...? For me, if I were to answer that question the emotion that has been most prominent in my life is disappointment.  The disappointment I have experienced in my life has permeated every realm and facet; I have been disappointed by friends, family, work, sports and academics.  Throughout my life I have had to endure one set back after the next, it’s like I have come to expect it or at least be prepared for it when it comes.  

The thing about disappointment is that the emotion is almost always of your own doing.  To be disappointed you must first have expectations and I just happen to be a person who has great expectations, I don’t let my circumstances or experiences curb my enthusiasm.  I am the type of person who allows my expectations to grow to great heights, I dream and hope and wish without boundaries or limitations.  My thoughts are always of how great things are going to be when this or that comes to fruition and because I allow myself to reach such great heights in anticipation of the best I also become vulnerable to the whole gamut of emotions when things don’t go as well as I had hoped. 

But what is the alternative; go through life with tempered dreams just to ensure that when things go wrong the pain isn’t as great.  Nope, that’s just not for me.  I will gladly endure the pain of disappoint as long as I am given the opportunity to strive to achieve those great heights and live in those glorious moments of anticipation. 

I didn't get the job.

A woman's worth

As I sit in a hotel room in Fayetteville, North Carolina my mind begins to ponder why?  Why am I in the middle of an argument that I have been having on and off for about six years now?  It starts with the usual “who is that texting you?" and it ends with sex followed by more inquiries in to my personal life.  At this point I don’t know who is more stupid, me for dealing with a person that I know I have no future with and no plans of enjoying anything beyond sex or her for consistently trying to push a product that I am clearly not interested in buying.  I just wonder is it the role of a man to save a woman from herself?  I'm not the one getting hurt in the situation, my feelings aren’t on the line and what I want doesn’t require much effort to get. So why should I be the one to cut it off?  If I was doing something or someone that continuously hurt me or didn’t offer what I wanted, I would stop doing that thing or person.  It's that simple, isn’t it?

Her favorite saying is "don’t disrespect me" and I just sit there and think "how can I respect you and you don’t respect yourself".  You sit here and try to convince me that I should pay 50$ for a product that I know that with some negotiation you will give me for 30$ lol Then why in the hell would I ever pay 50$? (Just a metaphor, she's not a prostitute) It seems as if woman have a supreme misunderstanding of the word respect, respect is treating something as it deserves to be treated depending on its value or worth.  With that being said, how can I disrespect something or someone that I feel has limited value and a negotiable worth?  I know how it sounds and yes it's cold and maybe a little heartless but that doesn’t change the fact that it is absolutely true.  I can only do what I am allowed to do and you can only expect to receive that in which you demand.  

You will never gain more if you consistently settle for less...  And that goes for life, love, and everything in between.

Drawing a blank

Well you know what I recently found out...? I don’t have shit to talk about, really, I have sat down multiple times with every intention of producing something introspective or dissecting some facet of life that has come to dominate my thoughts, or at least give a good story that we can all laugh at but I have nothing.  No interesting thoughts, no complex opinions, no stories, no tales, no nothing.  It's a little worrying when I think about it.  I have become use to letting by brain and thoughts pour out on the page, using my writing as some sort of therapy.   The action of opening up and letting complete strangers into my thoughts and feeling had become a very fulfilling exchange but now, nothing.  I wonder does this signify that my "counseling" sessions were a success and that you all have helped me reach a point where instead of bottling things up and writing about them, I now let those around me know exactly what I am feeling and thinking at the exact moment that those things are happening?  Lol I doubt it... Maybe it just means that for now my energy is focused in a different direction, maybe I'm just a little more consumed with making things happen and not just describing what is going on.  My life and my thoughts are certainly much different from years, months, and days past but I don't really know what that means.  Good or bad, things are just different now.  

Or maybe I'm just full of shit and being lazy... not taking the time to dig deeper and find new things that will serve to inspire me.  I don't know which one of these conclusions falls closest to the truth but knowing me it is probably some twisted combination of both.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see...