I miss Xmas

These days it is extremely difficult to refrain from getting caught up in the retail celebration that has become Christmas.  This holiday has slowly but surely turned into an exchange of goods and services instead of a celebration of family and Jesus' birthday as it was intended to be. 

I remember the days of my childhood when Christmas was the best time of the year, being so excited to see family and friends, eat good food, and wake up to a tree full of presents and gifts.  My family was so close back then; I mean it was nothing to have 15 people over my Grandma's house for food, drinks, and to celebrate the joy of the season.  I remember all of the adults sitting in the kitchen, drinking and telling stories while all of us kids would be playing in the living room, trying our best not to make too much noise so we would not have to go to bed.  I was always the one to sneak into the kitchen and sit quietly so I could listen to all of the adults’ tales of the old days, stories of fights and great escapes, stories of the hard times and the harder times.  I found out early that as long as I was quite and didn’t try to add to their conversation they would let me stay but as soon as I tried to put my two cents in or if I laughed too loudly at one of their jokes it was time for me to go.  

Our family tradition was to send all children under the age of 16 to the room so Santa Clause could set out presents in peace.  All of us kids would try whatever we could not to be sent to the room to go to sleep and the funny thing is that as soon as we lost that battle we would be fast asleep within minutes.  At 12:01 the adults would come to the room and wake us all up so that we could find out what Santa had left for us, this would turn into a mini running of the bulls as we all would make a mad dash to living room to open up our gifts.  Wrapping paper would fill the room as presents would be unwrapped so fast that you really didn’t even see what you got, you would just be looking for the next gift to open lol.  Back in those days family was family and it didn’t matter if you were blood or not, if you were there you were family and everyone in the family got a gift.  After all the presents were opened we would all make our way to the kitchen to enjoy the feast that was prepared.  The adults would go back to drinking and telling stories as the kids would slowly doze off after all the excitement. 

The next morning on Christmas Day everyone would wake up, the kids would grab their favorite toys and I would always try to put on my new clothes lol it wasn’t like I was going anywhere, I just wanted to look fresh.  Breakfast would be served and all of us would eat until our stomachs were about to pop, a nap would usually follow and then family time would resume.  I miss the way Christmas was,  I miss the food , I miss the stories, I miss all of us kids being sent to the room together, I miss the gifts, but I think what I miss most of all is how close my family once was.  

Eye of the beholder

Have you ever been around a person that is so visibly uncomfortable with themselves that it makes you a little uneasy?  I was talking with a friend the other day and the conversation was centered on his brother, his brother is a heavy set fellow that may or may not be gay.  Now the latter part of that statement had nothing to do with our conversation but it may play a factor in what we were discussing.  I have only been around his brother a couple of times but I immediately noticed that he was very uncomfortable with himself, he was always tugging at his shirt making sure that it wasn’t embedded in any folds he may have.  He also began to tell an outrageous story that placed him in the center of a fake shootout, where he was the last action hero lol. His attitude, posture and disposition just screamed "I am not happy the way I am".  After speaking with my friend about it, it turned out to be a correct assessment, he said his brother is unhappy with himself but won’t do anything to fix it. 

What makes a person feel like they are not worth the time and effort it takes to change what they dislike about themselves?  I say this and it is not speaking negatively of those who might be overweight, gay, short, tall, slim, slow, or anything else. If you are happy with yourself then it doesn’t matter what you look like or what size you are but if you’re not happy, why don’t you change it?  Don’t you believe that you deserve to be happy and comfortable with who you are?  What mental blocks have been put in place that it has become easier for you to live in your own misery than to fight for change...? 

I just hope that those people out there that feel like they are not worth it, find someone or something to let them know that they are and giving up on yourself is not an option.

Tempted by the fruit of another

It always amazes me how easy it is to revert back to old behavior, especially when you allow yourself to be around those same temptations.  I have a friend that was celibate for six years, he said that he wasn’t going to have sex again until he was married and he followed through on his promise.  Now for me the task of going six years without sex is comparable to man landing on the moon.  I could not imagine going that long without having sex; it just blows my mind how he possessed that much discipline to accomplish what he set out to do.  When I spoke to him about this goal I would always ask how was he able to stay on the right track and not give in.  My friend is not an ugly dude and he has had a crazy episode or two with a few ladies so it’s not like he was a person that wasn’t having sex.  The advice my friend gave me about how he stayed true to his word was priceless, he said "I never let opportunity and temptation be in the same room together". So simple but yet so hard to do.

Sex is definitely a vice of mine and its one that is most difficult for me to control.  It’s pretty sad but I really don’t have a grasp on my sexual appetite and because it has caused so much stress in my life, I should have more control over it by now.  I can honestly say that I have never gained anything from sex...  Maybe I should try the celibate thing for a while... I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for that though.

Curbing that sexual appetite is a goal my boys and I often talk about.  We recognize how much time, energy, and money we all put into chasing women.  We all have vowed at one point or another to cut women off completely and focus our energy on all the other things life has to offer.  Let’s just say we have not been successful, lol not at all...  Gray has recently set a goal for the New Year to cut off women entirely in 2012, lol now I know the world is coming to an end.

Motivation

What motivates you?  When you rise up from your bed each day, what provides the spark to walk the path you have chosen?  The thing about motivation is that it really doesn’t matter what it is as long as it works for you, it can be shallow, deep rooted in your past, or even made up.  Your motivation is just that, "yours", it requires no explanation or justification.  Results are the only scale in which motivation is weighed and beyond that nothing else matters.  Did this thought or inner drive get you to where you wanted to go? If yes, then that motivating factor was positive. 

As I take the time to think about what motivates me I find that it really comes down to two things, vanity and competition.  These two factors are responsible for 99.9% of everything I set out to accomplish or become.  I am a person that places a great deal of significance on what others think of me... I know that is not the cool thing to say but for me it is absolutely true.  I care about the way people see me because perception is reality and the majority rules.  So I tend to go to great lengths to insure that those around me think of me exactly how I want them to.  Now this is different than saying I want everyone to like me, that is not the case at all, instead I want you to think of me the way I choose for you to think of me.  That may sound a little crazy but if you think about it, it makes sense, by shaping their perception I control my appearance.(Vanity-excessive pride in one's appearance)

My other motivating factor is competition, I love it, I crave it, and it is probably my only addiction.  I love to compete for one reason; I want to be able to say I am better than you. lol I know how that sounds and I know that it will rub some people the wrong way but I told you when I started this that I was going to be honest.  To have the ability to tell someone that at this moment, at this thing, I am better than you... what could be better than that?  And then to go out and prove it, over and over again...  If it were not for me being so competitive I don’t think I would do a whole lot but something inside me clicks when I see someone do something, anything.  It’s a voice in my head that says "I can do it better than that, watch; I bet I can do better than that".  It doesn’t matter what it is, I don’t have to be good at it, I just want to do it better than you and I am willing to risk losing to find out.(Competition-a rivalry for supremacy)

So be honest, what motivates you?

Say Hello...

In my life I have found that making an exit is equally as important as making an entrance.  When you are going through a transition it is paramount to take precise steps on your way out of the door.  These lasting images and experiences are what most people will remember when they think of the time spent. 

I’m not one who often bites my tongue, I tend to let people know how feel about what’s going on in a manner that clearly conveys my position.  Because this is my personality I see no reason to act differently when it is time to say good bye.  I do believe in being professional but at some point people use that word to cloak their subversive thoughts and opinions.  Smiling in someone’s face while you are planning their funeral is not professional...  

So as I transition from where I am to where I’m going, I will make sure to leave every situation exactly how I want it left because burning a bridge is a two way street, you are preventing the flow of traffic for both sides and sometimes that is the best thing for everyone.  

We fall down

Why does it take so much effort to do the right thing?  It always seems like when you set your mind to accomplish something that is when you find yourself faced with so many temptations.  Waking up every day and taking the necessary steps towards whatever you want to achieve is a full time job. With the new year approaching many of us are setting goals or making plans for what we will strive to achieve after the clock turns 12.  But how long do we stick with those plans, how long can you withstand the temptations of life?  Say you want to lose weight, how long is it before you revert back to those old eating habits that got you to where you are now?  How long before that internal debate swings the way of late night fast food lol?  

Is the key to reaching your goals setting "realistic" limits for yourself? (I hate that word)  Or should you dive in head first and commit all that you are to achieving whatever you have set out to do?  I can’t say I have the answer to this question, not at all.  I have gone back on what I said I was going to do so many times that now I try not to even talk about my plans with anyone.  I remember one time the boys and I were going to try a master cleanse for a week lol, we went to the health food store and spent about $50 a piece on all the supplies.  The next day we started our journey to cleanse ourselves of all the impurities that our terrible eating habits had placed in our bodies... by 10:00pm that same evening we were at Kelly's Tavern ordering up half of the menu lol.

Though I have failed in completing some of my goals I don’t allow that curb my enthusiasm for trying.  If it is something I want, I’m going to do what I can to get it and if I fail I have no problem with getting up and trying again.  So I guess persistence is the key to achieving what we set out to do, making sure at every moment you have your goal in mind and then never quitting in the pursuit of it.

The Pace

I have to say I am more excited about this upcoming year than any I can remember.  It seems like my life is moving in a great direction, opportunities are presenting themselves, and change is happening all around me.  2012 is going to be a wonderful year, a beginning of sorts.  New place, New attitude, New opportunity, New life...  

Sometimes I sit and think why did it take so long to get here?  As I have mentioned before time is one of my many obsessions. As I sort through my thoughts I can only find one answer to my question, other than the blessings of god, my actions have made all the difference.  I no longer engage in the reckless behavior that used to rule and ruin my life.  This is not to say that I don't howl at the moon some night’s lol but now when I do its most likely at home.  I have found that I can have just as much fun sitting at the house and drinking with the boys as I can have going out to the club or bar.  I still go out and enjoy a drink every so often but not at the frequency that I once did.  I can remember the days when I used to go out four or five nights out of the week.  I would drink to the point of passing out or until I did something so crazy that it was time to call it a night.  I was broke, supremely out of shape and super reckless.  But while I was engulfed in this world wind of alcohol and bad behavior I couldn’t understand why I was not reaching my goals.  Why was it that everything I tried to do failed?  I was stuck in a job making minimal money, my relationship at the time was hanging on by a thread, and between the partying I was miserable. 

When you find yourself in a situation where you feel like life is pissing on you, you can choose one of two options, you can blame all the things around you and decide that you are just getting the short end of the stick or you can honestly evaluate the main factor in the equation, You.  It’s said the life is a marathon and not a sprint and the most important thing in a marathon is pace.  Pace, the rate in which something is done.  At that time I was operating at a pace that was setting me up for failure. I was doing too much, too often and nothing good was coming from it.  I was trying to sprint a marathon and couldn't figure out why I kept coming up short...  I have since learned the lesson of my foolish ways, I still have fun, I still drink, and I still party but now all of those things are done in moderation.  I think I have found my stride and the pace of life is finally one I can handle.  

Pillars of Sand

How strong is your foundation? What do you stand for? The answers to these questions are most often tested during periods of transition.  In life we move from one phase to the next, always changing and adjusting to circumstances that are presented to us.  Some change is necessary and gets placed under the heading of growth and development.  Other change is harsh and can shake the structure of your life putting all that you have worked for at risk.  Its funny how both types of changes may be happening at the same time and caused by a singular event. How you perceive what is taking place is almost as important as the action itself.  Change, growth, hardship, pain...Life.  

Something I always say is "a man has to stand on more than his two feet". What I mean is when you are going through life and things occur and they always do, you have to posses the internal fortitude to be strong in spite of all that may be going on around you.  The strength to withstand the rain and the pain, the strength to endure suffering and hardship, the strength to embrace change.  That ability all stems from the foundation on which we stand.  But how solid is your foundation?  Was your foundation forged in the fire of struggle and experience or was it manufactured by the opinions of others?

Are you building your life's castle on pillars of sand?

Take me back to Mars

“I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability." This is a line from one of my favorite movies, As Good As It Gets. In this movie the main character is played by Jack Nicholson, he is a successful novelist that writes from a woman's perspective. In this scene he is going into the office and the secretary is just giddy with excitement and wants to ask him just one question, "how do you write women so well?" and he responds "I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability." lol I love it and I'll be damned if it isn’t true. 

It continues to baffle my mind how women and men think so differently about any number of subjects. We don’t just have a difference of opinion; we differ on the fundamental thought process. How can rational thought come from something that is built on emotion? Emotion is not rational, emotions are just feeling and feelings are not a great foundation for decision making. I really can’t understand that concept even though I was raised by a woman and grew up in a family dominated by women. At some point you have to decide between what you feel and what’s real. 

Every emotional decision I have ever made has turned out to be a bad one. To let emotion out way logic, sense, and reasoning is just crazy... And then to not want to be held accountable for those actions is even crazier. You choose to do something and then when it’s time to face the consequences of that choice you act like the world is coming down on you. You feel you can’t be held accountable because you were just going off of how you felt at the time. Absolutely crazy. But what’s even crazier is that most women will acknowledge that fact but still won’t change the way they go about making those same decisions. 

Right now I’m in a situation where I’m being held accountable for a decision that ultimately wasn’t mine to make. I’m sure that decision came from the heart and it felt right at the time, but now when you’re being held accountable for your hearts decision you look to others to ease the load. But what makes me most upset is that I can’t talk to my family about it, they don’t understand, and it’s because they all think like her...

Simple Man

Most people that know me would say I have some old man tendencies. I tend to move at a pace that is a little slower than most, it’s not that I’m taking my time it’s just that I move slow lol.  But one thing I do pride myself on is taking time to enjoy the small things.  We as a society have become so caught up in the grandeur of monumental events, whether they are artificial or not.  If it is not the fastest ever or the newest ever then we don’t want it, we don’t even take the time out to make sure if it works...  We are truly the Microwave society, we want it now and if not now then right now.  

We have gotten to the point where if it isn’t some grand sum of anything then it must not be important.  The number of Facebook friends you have or Twitter followers. We throw Birthday Parties at clubs now just so there can be as many people around us as possible.  It’s really quite sad when you think about it, why we crave that type of validation.  A Facebook friend is not a real friend, a Twitter follower really doesn’t care what you are doing.  The people at the club aren’t cheering because they know it’s your birthday, they’re cheering because they passed out free Champagne for the toast...  More isn’t always better.  

So I take great joy in the small things.  I don’t mind sitting in the house and watching a good movie or getting in the car and just driving to collect my thoughts.  I don’t need Facebook friends because I have real ones.  I’m not interested in Twitter; I have enough people worrying me about what I’m doing as it is.  Sure its thing that I would like to do more of,  like travel and see the grand sights of the world or taste the cuisines of foreign lands.  I’m sure before it’s all said and done I will accomplish all of these things but for now I take the time to enjoy the everyday wonders of life. So give me a hot meal, a cold drink, and a woman that knows what she's doing and I'll be just fine.

Keep the change

 Are you getting better or getting worse?  The thing about that question is that it doesn’t allow for any middle ground, you are either improving or digressing.  So, are you getting better or getting worse?  For the first time in a long time I can honestly say that I am getting better.  I have made improvements in just about all aspects of my life and I tell you it has been quite the process.  So much weight is now placed on decisions that so often I used to take for granted, simple things like waking up early whether I have something to do or not.  Making better food choices more often and not being so impulsive with those decisions.  I have taken the time to repair relationships with those that I feel are important and cut off the relationships with people that are not.  Though I am no where near where I want to be, it feels good to know that I am going in the right direction.  Everyday new challenges are presented and everyday I am taking the time to address them so that tomorrow I am ready for whatever it might bring.  I know those who know me might read this and think of a million things that I am not doing that they believe I should and they are probably right on some level.  But improvement doesn’t happen all at once, it is a process. 

There is no such thing as a small step as long as that step is in the right direction. Getting better is getting better as long as you are getting better lol.  Sounds crazy but it is true.  I think too often we try to make whole sale changes to things that aren’t really important and when the smoke clears we are usually further away from our goal then when we started.  Dying your hair is not a life change, buying new clothes is not a life change, talking about changing is not a life change.  Change takes consistent effort and it is hard as hell. But the pain of the process is only eased by the joy of the results.  Pain, Process, Joy, and Results each of these aspects must be expected and embraced, for me they are the pillars of change.

The 449

Change is a pretty exciting concept. The evolution from one thing to the next brings with it all types of adventures, moments of thought, and self discovery. My circle of friends and I are all going through some pretty significant life changes and it is all happening to us at the same time. We have been a team since we played college ball together and now we are taking on life transitions that will inevitably pull us apart. Together we have grown from being boys to now being men and throughout that process we have always had each other for support. Those who know us and aren’t exactly a part of our circle tend to talk negatively about how close we are or how long we have been together. It’s really quite funny because as they talk about our situation you can see that most of the time their speaking from a point of envy.

To be honest, I don’t know where I would be without the boys; they are like brothers to me. We have had fights, arguments, and everything in between but what hasn’t changed is the fact that we are a team. I’m sure that there will come a day where we are not quite as tight as we once were and things are just a little different between us. But for now I’m glad we are all still together and I’m thankful for the times we have shared.

"Times Torture"

I was in a poem writing mood today so here is another one, it’s short and sweet; I call it "Times Torture".

Pain owns the night and all that it covers

Our love hides behind shadows that can’t be discovered

Your eyes tell me it’s real and everything will be ok

But our reality is a dream and this is a game we two often play

Four years I have waited for our time to come to pass

Maybe this life has been wasted with hopes pressed to the glass

These moments bare no difference from all others we have enjoyed

Shall I continue on this path or has our love been destroyed

What time is it?

"It really all comes down to timing"... This is something that I have learned in my life, it’s all about timing. You can have everything you need but if it is at the wrong time for you to have it then it will not last. You have to be in the proper mental space to accept and recognize your blessings. Growth, success, love, and life, they all require a perfect sense of timing for each aspect to play its proper role. 

In my life I have had expensive cars, money, women and everything in between but the timing for those things was off so they did not last. By timing I mean that I was not in the right state of maturity to accept those blessing and there for I lost them. It takes time to mature and for me it took more time than most but all of those hard lessons have made me into who I am today. For the longest time I was a person that had to learn the hard way, if advice was given it would fall on deaf ears. I chose to walk the path of life exactly how I wanted to and it didn't matter if I had witnessed others fail doing the same things I was doing, they weren't me. Doing things your way leaves you with scars and experiences that can’t be duplicated or taught, you are the man in the arena and you must survive by your own rules. But there comes a time when we all must listen, taking heed to the experiences of those who came before us. This is a lesson that only life will teach you and either you learn it early or late but believe me you will learn it. 

Now I have reached a point in my life where the timing is perfect. I have gone through things that have taught me so much that I wouldn’t have learned from just listening to someone else and I have also reached the point where I can accept advice. So now is the time to "do" and reap the benefits, it is time to become who I always knew I could be. The time is now and I’m thankful for every minute it took to get here.

Humble pie? No Thanks

I don’t know what humble is, really I don’t.  I have had conversations with friends and family about the concept but I still can’t seem to grasp it.  Is humble not saying you can do something when you know you can do it?  Is humble not putting yourself out front with supreme confidence in your ability to get the job done?  Or, is humble a nice way to say I let people run over me and I never get the credit for my own talents?  I don’t know which of these questions hold the right answer but one thing that I know for certain is I am not humble.  But what I find funny is how uncomfortable that makes people.  Next time you’re in a group conversation or just around other people tell them that you’re the best at something and watch their reactions. Lol it is remarkable how people tend to turn away in disgust at the notion of greatness.  Why?  Or better yet, let people know that you think you’re "special" and watch them devote their time to prove that you aren’t.  Why?  

One of my favorite pieces of literature is the speech "Our Deepest Fear" in the speech there is a line that says "We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?" it goes on to say "Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."  Now I’m sure that this doesn’t mean being an asshole and flashing what you may have to put other people down and that is not what I am saying either.  I believe that greatness takes practice there for you should be great at every moment.  If this attitude is too abrasive for some than oh well...  I say shine as bright as you can, as often as you can and let everyone else bask in your rays.

P.S. Look up the word humble on dictionary.com and see if that is the way you would want people to describe you.

Dream

I never want to go to work again... No, I’m dead, damn serious!  I know that most of you out there feel the same way I do.   What you have to do for 8 or 12 hours at a time to provide a living can make you absolutely miserable.  Just the mood you feel when you say the six most horrible words in the English language "I have to go to work".  Man it sucks.   But it makes me think, how did we all get to this point?  I mean what path did we choose that was so far away from where we dreamed to be that it has gotten us to the point where what we do for a living is killing us.  I assume that like me, most of you were encouraged to dream as a child.  Those questions of what do you want to be when you grow up were probably a main stay for all of us.  So where did we go wrong?  Why aren’t we living out our dreams?

I believe that the reason most of us have failed to achieve the level of happiness that we once knew in our hearts that we were destined for is because of the worst concept anyone has ever come up with.  The notion of being "realistic", it’s like a damning prophecy.  To be realistic you have to succumb to the idea that you are not special and will likely do no better than those who have tried before you.  Isn’t that a wonderful way to inspire greatness?  Over time our ability to think beyond the here and now has been murdered with the concept of reality and the restraints that come with it.  "I want to be this...."and the response becomes "That’s good but you should be realistic and have a backup plan".  What a horrible exchange, I tell you my dreams and you tell me that instead of being uncommon I should settle for mundane.  

I know that it seems very "realistic" to have a backup plan but I believe that developing a plan for failure serves to plant the initial seed.  You don’t wake up in the morning and develop a plan for the chances that you don’t make it to the bathroom, no, you just accept that you will and so you do.  Accept that you will and so you do...  Makes perfect since, no backup plan needed here.  Maybe we should stop calling them dreams and just call them "what will be's"  because if you tell someone a plan of action that they believe is far fetched they label it a dream but if you tell a person a future plan that seems "realistic" they will call it a goal.   Who are you to assume that I am not special?  lol (I know my mom and sister will go crazy when they read that) It’s said that "success is uncommon and it will not be enjoyed by the common man", I completely agree with that statement but I think the level of "uncommon" in all of us can be fostered and should be protected.  Our dreams are what guide us and without their direction we are simply lost.

When tomorrow becomes today

Tomorrow will soon become today... Sometimes that's a scary thought, especially when you know that you have wasted the time given for today.  Are you prepared for what tomorrow will bring?  Have you used your time wisely?  The saying "live every day like it’s your last" is pretty easy to say and much harder to do.  It’s damn near exhausting... walking around with the thought of am I taking advantage of every moment?  A moment is often gone before you even recognize that was there. 

 I have to admit that time is a bit of an obsession of mine.  I am always concerned about have I done enough with the time that I have been given, am I on time, am I late, how much longer do I have?  It’s said that time is relative, well if that is true then I feel like I am on an accelerated clock.  I often feel like I am not where I should be for the amount of time I have had.  So I feel the need to do more, be more, and hopefully get more.  But "activity" should not be confused with "productivity" and for that transition to occur there must be direction. Direction lol, so very simple but so very important.  It is the difference between being on a lovely hike and being lost in the woods...  

I have to ponder, what direction am I going?  I need to find out soon because today is almost over and tomorrow will be hear before I know it...

Excursion Story Cont.

I have received multiple requests to finish the story about how I crashed my Excursion, so here we go...  After finding out that everyone was OK, it was time to get out of the truck.  The problem with that was the truck was laying on its side, so your boy goes in to movie action hero mode and kicks a hole in the windshield lol.  Now this kick was one that would have made Jackie Chan proud, the only problem was that I'm still drunk so my accuracy was off and I almost kicked Panama in the face lol.  Now that I have provided our escape route I begin to push my way through this hole in the windshield.  Now if you remember from earlier in the story I told you I had my shirt off for flexing and picture taking purposes... So now my back is getting ripped to shreds as I force my way through this glass hole that starts off about the size of a basketball.  Finally I make my way out, my back is bloody and I have cuts all over my hands and arms from all of the broken glass.  I then reach back into the glass hole and begin pulling Panama out of the truck, in my mind I'm saving us from an explosion that  I know is pending...  Panama start to yell "stop, stop, stop pulling me!"  Lol he is a bit larger than I and the glass is ripping him to shreds as well.  But I'm in action hero mode so I just keep pulling him until he finally makes it out of the hole.  Next comes the girl in the back seat who can make it through the hole with no problems.  But as soon as she gets through she passes out on the ground from fear and some phantom injury she received lol.  We were telling her to get up before the Cops came but she just kept shaking her head no and acting like she was unconscious lol.  So its Fairs turn to pass through the hole, its pure comedy because he is the size of a damn professional wrestler so the glass tears his back to shreds too. 


Now we are all out of the tuck, me in action hero mode, Panama, Fair the professional wrestler and the girl in the back seat who is now faking being passed out and laying on the street.  For some reason Tex has pulled his truck over, told one of the girls that was riding with him to drive, and now he is sitting on the curb with his head down acting like he was in the accident as well.  We keep hollering "Tex what are you doing?" but he just keeps waving us off and acting like he didn't know who we were lol.  I guess he just wanted to be apart of the action.  At this point we can hear sirens and see that the cops are approaching.  The boys decide that so I won't go to jail for a reckless driving and a DUI I should flee the scene and they would take care of it.  Drunk logic but it makes perfect sense to me so I start running, I run down the street, through a ditch, and across some train tracks.  When I cross the train tracks I see two black guys smoking, leaning up against at car.  One of them says "Damn dog that crash was crazy, put this shirt on so you don't look guilty".  He hands me this black T-shirt that reeks of weed smoke but I put it on any way because I don't want to look guilty.


So now I'm standing there in a black T-shirt that is getting my high from the smell of it and I'm next to the two guys who saw the whole crash as they were leaning on their car smoking.  I look back at the scene of the crash (I only ran about 30 yards down the street) and see probably the funniest thing I have ever seen.  Panama and Fair have now taken their shirts off and are fussing with the cops claiming that they both were the driver of the truck.  Tex is still sitting on the curb in a daze and the ambulance has come to pick up the girl who was faking being unconscious.  I can see the Police are getting a bit tired of the drunken tirade that my friends were putting on in my behalf so I decide to go back so that they don't get arrested for something I did.  As I'm running back to the crash scene I hear Panama getting into an argument with one of the officers, he has asked him to borrow his coat and the officer has refused.  Panama then says "so you're just going to let me freeze out here man?  Aren't you supposed to protect the innocent?"  So as Panama is arguing with that officer, Fair is pleading to the other officer to believe his story that he was the driver of the truck and the whole thing was his fault. 


When I get back to the crash scene the boys have a look on their face like what the hell are you doing, we had this under control lol.  At that time my boy Bird Dog pulls up out of no where and tells me to get in the car so we can leave.  To this day I don't know who told him we were there or where he came from.  I get into his car and he is like "man we have to go" and I say "no I cant leave them out there like that, it was my fault".  (I must have been high from the shirt)  So Bird Dog says "man you're tripping but you have to do what you have to do".  I start hollering curses and punching the dash board because I know I'm in serious trouble and I know I cant let the boys go down for what I did.  So I get out of the car (after breaking the air bag from punching the dashboard) and start telling the Cops that it was me driving the truck.  Panama and Fair are pushing me out of the way and telling the officers that they have never seen me before and I'm liar.  I tell the officer again that I promise you I was the one driving the truck and you can check the registration to prove it.  The officer then arrests me immediately lol, throws me in the back of the Cop car and I'm sitting there like what in the hell have I just done. 


Now the boys are really going crazy, Panama is challenging one officer to a fist fight under the mantra "My mom is a Dr." lol, Fair is threatening to break me out of jail if I am arrested and now Tex is up from the curb and telling the Cops that he was the one driving.  Police officers are coming and going from the scene and by the time an officer comes and talks to me there is only two Cop cars at the scene and two officers dealing with the boys.  At about 4 a.m. an officer comes to the Cop car and opens the door, he asks me one question "have you  been drinking?" I respond "absolutely".  He says "I'm going to give a field sobriety test and if you pass then you can go", I respond "lets do it".  He stands me up, takes the cuffs off and starts barking orders.  I clap my hands and get into game mode, I blaze the tests and start talking shit "Is that all you got? You have to have something harder than this".  The officer just laughs and says "Get the hell out of here, you and your boys".  After passing the tests I run over to the boys and we start chest bumping and slapping five like we just won a championship game.  Now our attention then goes to the truck that is still laying on its side, we all look at each other and come up with the same idea, Lets Flip It Over!  The Cops yell out "Stop!", "If yall touch that truck I'm going to arrests all of you for being drunk in public".  We stop and out of the blue Bird Dog appears with the car, we all pile in and go home.  THE END... lol

S.E.W.

"It's like screaming and no one can hear.  You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing.  No one will ever understand how much it hurts.  You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you.  And when its over and its gone, you almost wish that you could have all that bad stuff back just so you can have the good..."


Have you ever regretted the way a situation ended, well to be more specific, have you ever wanted a person back?  Ever had that feeling of want that is so intense that you can damn near taste it in the back of your throat.  It becomes more than a feeling, it's almost like your body is going through a detox and it hurts.  That pain of loss you feel when someone has passed but this person is alive and well, they're just not yours anymore.  


The feeling of hopelessness when you realize that there is nothing you can do to get that person back.  The pain of finding out that they have now moved on and it's no longer you  that makes her laugh or smile.  You are no longer the person that she would do anything for, you are no longer the man she craves from the time her eyes open until the time they close at night.  To know that this feeling is self inflected because you are the one that drove her away and you're the one that first caused her to experience the same pain you feel now. But now, that pain is yours to feel, your burden to bare.  


What happens when you realize that the person that was perfect for you has found that perfection in another?  Do you wish them the best knowing that they deserve to be happy?  Or do you fight that feeling of hopelessness and know that one day she will be yours again?  But is that something you really know for certain or is that just your last hope, the thought you keep in your heart so that some small part of her will always be there? 


What do you do when you are the cause of your own pain...?

#Ambition

"It won't be for lack of effort"  That is a statement that I have been telling myself for years.  I always try to make sure that the work I put into success is ample regardless of the outcome, I try to take full control of the effort.  Taking control of the effort is something I learned while playing sports, one of my former coaches would always say "the effort is yours and the mistakes are mine".  He was letting us know that there is a huge difference between "playing hard" and "playing well".  Most of the time in sports and in life we are not in control of the outcome, there are countless factors that will dictate how far you go and the level of success you will receive.  But what we all can take pride in is the thing we have full control over, our effort.  How much we want it is simply not enough, you have to put that want into action.  


One of the reasons I started this blog is because I wanted to see if I really was a good writer, putting my thoughts down on "paper" and out there for public view.  Taking full responsibility for what is presented and being open to all the criticism I have received.  That's what life is all about, putting what you have on the table and finding out if its good enough and if you don't like your results then Do Better.  In the end the measurement of success will come from you, can you look at yourself and say I did everything that I could to make it.  At every point, regardless of the situation, I went for it. If you can honestly say that then you are as successful as you could have possibly been, but if you cant say that then there is no need to cry about your situation. 


 I am a person who loves quotes and I think my favorite quote of all time speaks to this subject, "you are what you choose to be and in those choices you live".  When you think of it in those terms it leaves no room for luck or circumstance, only effort, the choice to work for what you want, accepting nothing less...

Who you are v.s. What you do

How many times do you have to do something before it becomes who you are? I always try to live by the saying "you are what you most often do". That's pretty powerful when you think about it, your actions become you, your choices become you. 

This thought spawned from a conversation a coworker had with a resident at my job. My coworker called the resident dumb and the resident got offended. The resident made the point that he wasn't dumb because he got good grades but he had been locked up several times for dumb mistakes. My coworker said exactly, you continue to do dumb things with full knowledge of the consequences, Dummy. 

Now his statement might have been harsh but I can't necessarily say it isn't true. How many people do you have to kill to be a murderer? How many tickets do you have to receive before you're labeled as a bad driver? If you consistently do something haven't you earned the right to be called that thing? Think of it on the positive side, if I continuously do well in school and achieve high levels of education haven't I earned the right to be called a scholar? If I'm on time for everything I do aren't I punctual? We are what we most often do and if you don't like it, DO something about it.

Silence and Tears

I came across a poem today, When We Two Parted by Lord Byron.  This poem put me in mood that I couldn't really describe, just the vivid imagery that took place in those simple lines made me feel all types of emotions.  It really is an outstanding poem and its not the only one he has of that nature.  So after reading it I was motivated to try my hand at a little poetry lol... So here is mine, Silence and Tears, inspired by Lord Byron and her...


Time will tell no lies and I have found truth in your touch
Lives change like the season but every day becomes too much
Why did it all end, was the fault yours or mine
Never will it be again for moments have become mountains to climb
All that has happened and we've grown miles apart
Just know I still want you and our love will never depart
When we were, it was magic but the spark has become dim
So now I sit and I wait for the day we two can begin, again

Do you see what I see?

My mother, my sister and I were having a conversation last night that covered a myriad of topics but one topic that proved to be most interesting was the ability or lack there of to see your own mistakes.  Think about that for a moment... is that not one of the most important qualities you can posses.  The ability to point out and accept errors you have made, without ego or shame.  Being honest with yourself and first noticing that a mistake was made and then going about the business of fixing it.  There is a saying that "pride comes before the fall", the  pride they speak of is that blinding factor that does not allow you to see your mistakes.  Operating under the shroud of ignorance that what you do is without error or flaw is supremely dangerous and somewhat annoying.  


Now with all of that being said, I might be public enemy #1 when it comes to this offense lol.  I am a supremely confident person and I try to put a great level of forethought into what I do and how I do it.  This does not mean that I operate without error and it also does not mean that I am not receptive to criticism. But hell... that doesn't mean I enjoy hearing it!  In saying that I recognize that I need to get better at inviting criticism and also making the necessary adjustments once I receive it.  Yes even Superman is up for receiving coaching...  


Earlier today I was talking to a lady friend of mine, the conversation was about mentors and the positive effect they have.  She played a recorded interview of man that was mentored and now serves as a mentor.  In this interview he made a wonderful point that has stuck with me. He said that when you get placed in a tough situation it is your responsibility to make the best of it and do what is necessary for you to succeed.  He went on to say that reaching out for help is also a responsibility and in doing that you create life long relationships with those people who will serve as your support system.  That point really made me think about the way I deal with things.  I am never one to run from a challenge or difficult situation but I rarely reach out for help when dealing with these things.  The ability to handle all that life brings is wonderful but you can not underestimate the importance of relationships.  Those positive encounters with people who are placed in your life for a reason, those moments should be fostered and built upon.  That is an area of improvement that I see needs to be made in myself. See how easy that was? lol... 

And we should rejoice and be glad in it...

Good Morning....


And what a Good Morning it is, we should all take that greeting more literal than we do.  Good Morning, yes it is and will always be but that is a decision that is up to us.  Each day presents us with a choice of what we will make of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly lol.  Its us, not our circumstance that decide whether this day will be one of joy or sorrow.  Make that choice and make a wise one.  You choose what your attitude will be, you choose what things will get you off your game plan.  So make the right choice, choose to be happy, healthy, and above all choose to have a Good Morning...

Fatherless Daughters

"Feels like I'm doomed to dealing with women who relationships with their fathers wont allow us to bloom" Pusha T


Recently I received a request from this lady friend of mine, she wanted me to expound upon a topic she was currently reading an article on. The topic is  Fatherless Daughters, well to be more specific what she really was referring to is the future actions of females that are largely dictated by the relationship with their father and how men view both the actions and the initial relationship.  Now this relationship could have been good, bad, or non-existent but the effects will most certainly permeate that young ladies actions regardless.  Now as a man I have received advice from older men and they always tell me "If you want to know if she is a keeper, look at the way she interacts with her father".   This piece of advice seems to rub some women the wrong way but I would say that for the most part it holds true.   Whether that daughter/father relationship be great or n/a it will always bare fruit.  She may be a woman who is totally comfortable hanging around with the guys, watching football and having a good time or she maybe so extra, trying to overcompensate and please you that it becomes annoying.  Her relationship with you will stem from her first interactions with a man and that is just the facts.  A fathers greatest gift to his daughter is to show her what it is to be loved by a man when sex is not involved.  That is priceless.  This is not saying that the woman who had a great relationship with her dad is going to be perfect, not hardly but it does give you at least a glimpse into what she is use to and what she will expect. 


I have dealt with women who have shown an array of attributes that can be traced back to their interactions with the man in their life at an early age.   Some have been supremely sexual and almost viewed sex as men do, not filled with emotion just pleasure and almost a means to control.  These women have revealed later on in our relationships that they were exposed to sex at an early age, some through abuse and others neglect.  I have also dealt with woman who have treated men as a resume and not a person. What I mean by this is that they view your every action as like a check list of things that need to measure up to who and what their fathers are and have. When it comes time to meet their father you can clearly see why his daughter acted in this manner.  Their dad is usually an "old player", a couple of cars, a couple of girlfriends, and usually plenty of money.  I have dealt with women who for the lack of a father have gone either one of two ways.... Example one had a extremely strong mother who provided her daughter with an example of what it is to be an "independent woman" there for the daughter becomes extremely successful, needing for nothing, and wanting only progress and success.  This woman is also usually bitter and spends her time emasculating the men she deals with, never happy with any thing they do or any thing they bring to the table.  This woman longs for that companionship she sees  in her friends relationship's but tends to hide behind a mask of "men need to step their game up".  Example two for this scenario grows up with a less than stellar example for a mother and tends to follow in her footsteps.  Doesn't want much out of life and doesn't bother trying to get it.  She is in and out of relationships, holds down a mediocre job, and is really just floating through life.  Unhappy but she doesn't know why,  craves companionship but she doesn't know why, she doesn't know much of any thing really.


I have dealt with women who are a combination of all factors and attributes and to be honest those are the women I like the most.  They have had fathers/or not, had good mothers/or not, had early sexual experiences/or not and come through it all with something that to me is the most import thing of all... "PERSPECTIVE"  There is a time for all things and for you to be all types of attributes, it is the ability to put these things in there proper place that make us all attractive as a mate.  Too much of any one thing at the wrong time is all bad and will ultimately make a successful relationship impossible to have.

Black Friday

I was just thinking about the whole ridiculousness of the Black Friday phenomenon.  People are committed to standing and waiting for sometimes days just to get a deal on a discounted item, Flat Screens for half off or Laptops buy one get one free.  Is a deal worth that much?  I saw the news yesterday and a man has been camped outside of Best Buy since Wednesday in hopes of getting a 42 inch flat screen T.V. for 200$ Now its true that this is a hell of a deal but damn, since Wednesday... Do you have a job? And if so do they know you have been out since Wednesday waiting for a T.V.? Could you imagine sitting there for 48 hours defending your spot in line lol the pressure must be tremendous...  I don't know if a sale is worth that much, as a matter of fact I'm almost certain it isn't.  At some point you have to place value on the time spent and the effort made and in that case that T.V. cost you much more than 200$.... that T.V. has now become the most expensive T.V. in the world because you wasted two days to get it.  You have sacrificed Thanksgiving, time with family, work, and all other sorts of daily pleasures just for a sale.  Absolutely crazy in my opinion.  Not to mention he was out there with his son lol does anyone know the number to CPS...?


If America is truly serious about this Black Friday thing then it should apply to other aspects of our society as well... Do prostitutes have discounted prices on Black Friday?  If I go to the strip club today will it be acceptable to throw change instead of dollars?  It is Black Friday and a deal is a deal.   Where are the price cuts from drug dealers on this wonderful day of deals?  How much weed can I get for 10 bucks and please take note that I have this coupon and it is Black Friday.  If I get a speeding ticket today, will the fine be at a cheaper rate and if so do I have to mail in the rebate or can you just process it right here.  We as a nation should really take steps to make this Black Friday thing official, global even. A day of discounts for all, so get out you camping gear and your coupons because Black Friday is here and we all love a sale.

How far is too far?

 Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours....  Your boy went out last night and I feel like shit today.  I went to a cool little party in the Beach, pretty woman, plenty of drinks, pretty good music... you know, the usual.  But now I feel horrible, I have been sluggish all day and can't seem to catch the beat.  I would have to say I drank a little too much last night but it was a party... so why not get it in? I don't think I have a drinking problem, my problem comes when its time to stop the drinking lol  That has always been my personality. I don't know when to stop and I usually go too far.  But hell, what is too far? How will you ever know your limits if you don't push them?  Now I am not condoning drug abuse or alcoholism.  But there is something to be said for a person who is not afraid to push it to the limit.


Speaking of going too far, this reminds me of when I flipped my Excursion...  This was a night that was wrong from the very start.  It began with the boys and I getting a rather aggressive pregame in at the house, we were taking rounds of shots of just about every type of liquor you can think of.  This lasted for about an hour until all of us were pretty wasted and motivated enough to go out. So we all jump into the truck and go to this little hole in the wall spot where we were pretty much the only ones there.  The DJ is blasting the music and we are all in party mode. We know just about everybody that works at the bar so the drinks are damn near free.  Round after round gets ordered and before you know it we are all on the dance floor going wild.  Lol I mean bumping and grinding with the girls that are there and the ones that came with us as well. My boy Panama gets into a dance battle with himself in the mirror lol and he won!  I mean this shit is going down like a plane crash, more drinks, more music and more dancing... 


The night is winding down and we are in rare form. Leaving the club is all pretty much a blur... there are pictures being taken, pants being pulled down, and late night plans being made.  We all hop back in the truck with plans of everyone meeting back at the house to continue the festivities.  Now there are about 4 people in my truck and my boy Tex's truck is full too.  Now here is where the going to too far thing rears its ugly head.  Tex and I stop at this stop light right outside the club, I don't know who started it but engines begin to get revved and a stare down commences. The light turns green and we are off,  making a left at the light, then flying down a winding road that is tough to drive sober at noon, let alone wasted at about 2 a.m. At this point my shirt is off and I am pressing the gas peddle so far to the floor that I have to let it up and press it down again just to go faster. (drunk logic).  The music is blasting, I'm wasted and driving a 7 passenger truck as fast as it can possibly go down a street that looks like an Indy Car track.  At one point in the race I am flexing for the camera as my boy Panama takes pictures of me with his camera phone(getting the picture lol) and my boy Fair is in the back seat with a girl doing all that he can to make it happen lol

Now at this point we're half way home and coming up to the largest curve on this long winding road.  I don't know if it was the speed, the drinks, the music, or the flexing but I lose control of the truck. I hit the curb and a light pole and flip the tuck onto its side.  As the truck is sliding down the street Panama is holding on to the hand rest, trying not to get road rash and with his other arm he is keeping me from sliding on top of him from the drivers side.  Meanwhile Fair is in the back seat fighting to keep from sliding out of the window and underneath the truck, as he is doing this he is also holding the girl to keep her from sliding out the window and underneath the truck.  After what feels like weeks the truck comes to a halt, my heart is pounding but all I can think of is the safety of  everyone in the truck. I start yelling "Is everyone alright?" slowly everyone in the truck responds, we are all OK...  Now can you say "going too far"

And it starts...

How should I begin this…?  The Blog thing is quite new to me and I don’t have any great motivation for starting one.  I have been told by friends and family for quite some time to get out there and put my thoughts on display for all to see.  Don’t know how much I have to say but “Here we Go!”

Well let me introduce myself, my name is… well for blog purposes I will refer to myself as Juice, lol.  This is a nick name that I have earned over the years from my boys, we all have other names that we go by and each one has specific meaning behind it.  But any way I am 29 years old and live in the 757, I have lived here my entire life and needless to say I am trying to get the hell out.  

Basically this is just going to be a running journal of my thoughts, feeling, and opinions on any and every thing. No holds barred, you might not like what I have to say but it will be real and truthful or at least what is true as I see it.  Just a warning… I’m a whole lot of things, my boy Panama is always talking about the “Duality of Man” and let me tell you, it will be on full display.  Depending on whom you ask and for that matter when you ask them, they will tell you that I am everything from a dumb, sex crazed jock to a thoughtful, well mannered gentlemen.  And the crazy thing is they would be absolutely right.

So that’s just a little taste of me and the direction I am going with this whole blog thing. Check me out from time to time and I will do my best to keep it updated and full of all types of craziness.