You and "I"

Have you ever felt trapped? Not in a basement or air duck, or any of that sort of thing, I mean have you ever felt trapped within yourself.  It's like within you, you know there is so much more, more to give, more to be, and become but none of that can find its way out.   You are quite certain that some where in there is the real "you" but its almost like that person or at least the spirit of that person is trapped behind so many layers of bullshit it may never see the light of day again.  Sometimes I cant remember the last time I was me... That person only comes out in brief flashes nowadays, it's sad.  Our society goes about bombarding that part of us that is truly us way back in our childhood; teachers, parents, adults all telling us what we can and cant do based on the failures of their life.  Killing that voice inside of us that pushes us to make this experience match exactly what we want it to be.  

Have you ever thought about exactly who or what that voice is? Have you ever pondered on the concept of "I"?  I know, it sounds crazy but give it some thought.  When we speak we say "I have a heart or a mind or a soul." so that suggests that we are not those things, we have those things but those things are not us...  We speak in terms of ownership and possession, we do not address them as if they are what we are, no, they are just what we have.  We don't say "I am soul", we say "I have a soul."  So who is I?  We all can agree that a person is so much more than a name or a title, or even a gender.  What we are, what we truly are seems to be without classification.  Our level of consciousness can't be clearly defined, yet we all know what it is.  To be truly conscious is to realize that the body is nothing more than a vessel and the soul or spirit of that vessel is nothing more than its true personality... But you are none of those things.  You are an expression of life, or to be more accurate you are an expression of energy.  

Deja vu, intuition, instinct... all are words we use to help ourselves not get too freaked out when we are able to know what we couldn't have known and experience what we know we have done before.  This is life happening on its purest level, when energy can freely flow and allow our consciousness to tap back into the universal powers we all sprang from.  There's a reason you can "speak things into existence" and "prayer works", when we do those things, when we allow ourselves to focus energy towards a specific point and that vibration tears down the worldly confines that "I" is trapped behind.  It grants us permission to be.  In those moments nothing is beyond our grasps, fore we are now what we have always been and that is who "I" really is. 

“Through our eyes, the universe is perceiving itself. Through our ears, the universe is listening to its harmonies. We are the witnesses through which the universe becomes conscious of its glory, of its magnificence.” 
― Alan W. Watts

Cache

Memories are some of the most powerful things in the human experience.  Our minds are capable of transporting our current selves back in time to relive things that have happened many years ago.  Some of our most meaningful memories still carry the emotion of the time, not only can you recall what happened you can also smell,  taste, and feel the moment.  The recesses of the mind are filled with scenes of times past and in those recesses we store some of the memories that we would much rather forget.  Things that your insides ache when you think about them, whether it worked out for the best or not we all have memories that transport us back to a time where all we knew was sorrow.  

And then there are those memories that bring a smile to your face as soon you think about them.  Like opening up a present they evoke feelings of joy and happiness as if you were experiencing them for the first time all over again.  Often you find yourself gazing off into the distance with a devilish grin when entertaining those past moments where everything went right and all was good.  

Our minds are like a grand storage system of our life's archive. A system that allows one to recall not only a time but also the emotion of the event.  We are allowed to navigate through this labyrinth any time we choose, granting us access to relive what once was and will never be again.  Memory lane is such a great place to visit from time to time but make sure you don't overstay your welcome, there's so many more memories that have yet be made. 

Waze

Think about where you are right now, where you live, what you do, who you hang around.  Now think about all the events that took place to get you there, all of the decisions made or not made, all the turn rights instead of lefts, everything that has happened in your life is responsible for where you currently stand.  When I think about my life, my current circumstances and past, I think about the avenues I have travelled due to the people I chose to be around.  We are all a product of our environment and nothing encompasses more of that environment than the people we allow in our lives.  The closer a person gets to knowing the real you, the more influence they possess over you.  

Think about that in the terms of relationships.  We tend to look at our lives in chunks of time whether it be "when I was a kid", "high school years", "college"... but we also devote large portions of our life to people.  Right now if you think about the last ten years of your life you will most certainly group a part of it with the memories of a particular person, those moments spent with or devoted to that person will serve as a bookmark in the story of your life.  In life we meet people and form bonds, sometimes those bonds are so strong that we let them navigate the course of our life.  All of our decisions are made with them in the fore front our our minds, whether it be as small as where to eat or as large as where to live we give that person permission to influence our path.  Now imagine if you could go back in time and delete a person from the history of your life, whatever the two of you shared never happened, you never met at all.  How would this affect your story? Would you be where you are right now if it weren't for them? Would you be happier, better, or worse...?

During our lives we will make millions, upon millions of decisions, some of which are small and some of which are major but I believe none to be more important than who we choose to love.


"The choices you make in Love can alter the course of your entire life..." Meagan Good

Life Quotes

The person you've become may be getting in the way of who you were meant to be. 

To be continued...

As she lay there naked, gazing into his blank stare, she asked "what are you afraid of?" And without out pause he replied "nothing". A look of disgust replaced her smile as if she yearned for a specific answer, an answer that would validate her existence, their life, and all her efforts. But no such response came, he was not capable of masking the cold, hard exterior that ran deeper than anyone could imagine.

The moment passed as did her anger and his interest in entertaining her estrogen laden qualms. Why couldn't she just accept him for his actions? Why were his manors and gentlemanly tactics not good enough? Why did she want to uncover a place, a feeling, and an experience that he was not comfortable revealing or capable of containing?

He knew that once those feelings were allowed to bubble to the surface there would be no turning back. The monster that lie inside would be given free reign over him and all in his presence. That's what she, what no one could understand, those walls that he built, high and strong, were not to keep people out. Those walls were forged in an effort to keep "it" in. He knew that there was no place for "him" in this world. No place for such raw emotion, an untapped spring of pain and anger...

The Flea Market

I just want to be free.  Totally free, free of the mental confines of society, free of socioeconomic imprisonment, free of fear, free of it all. When most speak of freedom the conversation is centered around persecution and overt threats to ones inalienable rights. We believe that all should posses this freedom, we also believe that we live in a time where most have it. I don't believe that at all. I believe that we are so conditioned by the powers that be that we don't even know which way is up anymore. It's like the story of how one goes about training fleas... 

To train a flea you need only a clear jar with a tight lid. A flea trainer gathers up a group of fleas and places them in the jar, twists the lid on tightly and waits. Once in the jar the fleas try desperately to escape, bouncing off the lid and all sides of the jar. The fleas can see the world around them and they use all of their might to obtain it, for a while. Eventually after countless attempts to break free they begin to measure their pursuits, only going as far as their past failures. These fleas are slowly conditioned to view anything outside of the clear jar as mere fantasy, it can be seen but never obtained. The jar that was once their prison is now their home. As time goes by there is rarely an attempt to break through this invisible barrier and at that point the flea trainer knows the process is complete. The jar is opened and the fleas are released, they can see the world as clearly as they could while in the jar. At any moment a flea could use the power within them to hop where ever it chooses, there are no limits, no barriers, there is only opportunity.  But a conditioned flea doesn't even understand the term "escape". You see the jar is the perfect prison because it does more than thwart any attempt to go beyond its walls, it also distorts the reality of ones capabilities.  Because the jar is clear it evokes hope that there is so much more to be had, a whole life to be lived within all the opportunities that are clearly visible. But this clear jar is solid in structure, it allows you to be in the world but never of it.  What is seen can never be obtained, and after failed attempt, upon failed attempt the fleas comes to know that the allotted space of the jar is all that there is for them. Much more diabolical is this form of conditioning compared to just physical imprisonment because once the mind is conditioned there is no need for walls. The flea operates in a bubble that it believes there is no escape from and not only will it never test its limits, it will also instill those same beliefs into its children. 

The process is perfect because it embeds the illusion of choice. It's like taking a multiple choice test and believing you have the freedom to choose your own answer... But all of your choices have been preselected, sure you can be right but the maker of the test can never be wrong.  Even the most intelligent test taker is no more than a pawn in an elaborate game of control and deception.  Sure you can achieve great heights and amass large fortunes, making you feel as if you have conquered the game of life. You have more than most so you must be winning, right? That is the point of all this hard work, to have more than you started with and leave as much to those that follow as you can, right? But what about when you realize that what you have earned  is just what they've allowed you to have?  The feat of reaching the mountain top loses its glory when you realize that you can fly.  All limits are imposed by those that couldn't and so the tell you that you can't. Once the process is repeated long enough those personal limits become universal laws that stand without question. These laws are given names, they are taught and re-taught, tested and proven to be true by the same methods that created them. If I tell you that you are a certain height and to prove this I use a tool that I invented that is marked in increments that I decide, how can I ever be wrong? The fact is that everything you "know" was taught to you by those that don't "know" anything. We are living our lives within a mental glass jar and I have grown tired of this system of control and illusion. I want to be free. 

Of Nights Past

On these restless nights when the sun has laid to rest

A delightful dance ensues between thought and consciousness 

Not dream nor thought or mindful message sent

Just flash and flicker of random past events

The time has no rule and neither does the pain

For when the moment ensues only you bear the blame  

These visions are dull at first but slowly become quite clear

The night has kept you hostage and there is more to come I fear 

It can't be turned off no more than it can be denied 

The past is what haunts you that is what burns inside 

Though you feel it's power you try to remain clear

Focus your feelings you plead as you wipe away the tears 

You vow to be stronger to rage against its plight 

But even in the struggle you can't withstand it's might

You must become silent and then the lesson can be learned

All that is avoided is destined to return

Learn from the suffering and prove those lessons true

Or next time the night comes lurking it's quarrel will be with you